Time for a new 100-word fiction piece inspired by www.madison-woods.com #FridayFictioneers challenges. This week's photo is by Raina Ng. If you go to Madison's website, you can join in...it's fun to write these and even more fun to see all the different responses to the same image.
I would love any input readers have for me on how to make this snippet better, as well as (of course!) any comments of enjoyment.
Shadowed Kitchen
Here I sat every day in the sweet-smelling shadows after school, after the bus dropped me off. The smell of the cumin, coriander, ginger, cinnamon from the jars on the wall always made me daydream of food while I solved the math problems or English analogies. In those days, every teacher gave us 25 short answer items a night. Their mantra was "homework works." In today's world, Adam only learns from the focus of his attention: his computer. He almost doesn't even watch television any more.
17 comments:
I like this overall. I feel like having "solved" twice in that one sentence sounds a little awkward, though. Maybe it could be something like "completed English analogies" or "filled in English analogies"?
Sorry, I hope that's not too nitpicky. I think this is quite vivid, and the smells and atmosphere of the kitchen really come to life.
Dear Lorelei,
A mother's lament well renedered. What have we lost and what have we gained from our symbiosis with technology? Nice work this week.
Aloha,
Doug
Like the story very much Lorelei, you conjured up the wistfulness for the past very well. I have boys like this, but what they can do for their homework with access to the internet is quite cool too.
Mine is over here http://anneorchardwriter.wordpress.com/2012/10/05/friday-fictioneers-if-you-cant-stand-the-heat/
This was an effective vignette - very enjoyable. You asked for comments: I'd cut out the two references to school at the beginning, and re-construct that last sentence which sounds a bit unwieldy.
Loving the scents of this kitchen, and also the contrast between the past and the present. :)
And we of a "certain age" share the mother's lament. Nice feeling with the spices. I could see the little girl at the kitchen table, licking the tip of her pencil while she pondered over her arithmetic problems.
You've already been given some good ways to make a realistic story even better. In some ways I think this is one of the sadder stories this week because it's the most realistic. (At least I hope most kitchens aren't being burned or sites of murder!) But computers (and phones) have taken over much of the time of not only those in school but those out of school.
the child needs to get outside, some exercise and fresh air. just like my kid needs, for sure.
I like the concept of this story.
This sent me down history lane. Thanks for shairng. Mine is here: http://readinpleasure.wordpress.com/2012/10/05/fridayfictioneers-the-empty-heart/
Nicely written. Mine is here: http://readinpleasure.wordpress.com/2012/10/05/fridayfictioneers-the-empty-heart/
The story of many mothers i am sure. Very well done!
I like the part about him not even watching TV anymore because of the computer. I am not sure what we lose and what we gain. Maybe it's just lost between generations, and two generations from now his son will think back with nostalgia about his computer?
How true this one is. Do kids do homework anymore? Mine are all grown, but I assure you they didn't do a LOT!!
You captured the mood and memory along with the smells and shadows and values. Well done. Very appreciative of what you've written.
Three spice jars up!!!
Randy
Hey Mom...Your kid has outsmarted you. He doesn't watch TV anymore because everything is right there on his computer. lol
Hey Mom: Your kid has outsmarted you. He doesn't watch TV because everything je wants to see is already on his computer. lol (ps: My first comment didn't seem to take, so I'm trying again).
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